I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend, ours was lovely, we celebrated a new family member's christening, and the girls had a great time playing in the beautiful fall weather that has come our way.
Many of you may be wondering why I titled this post "self doubt" and I have to say that this is a post I have been wanting to write for a long time because I think/hope that some of my readers can relate and maybe even offer advice for me on how to gain some confidence and pull myself out of this state of "self doubt".
For years now, I have dealt with many people putting me down and making me feel as if I wasn't "good enough" to be in their presence. Much of this started in high school, which I am sure many of you can relate, was full of petty drama that we all wish never was a part of our lives. For me, having a very critical father growing up who constantly criticized my every move & look, made it very difficult for me to feel as though I even fit into my own family. As I developed a "social circle: in high school, which was interesting because I went to a very small high school geared towards those who wanted to enter a medical profession, we had a graduating class of about 65 people, 70% of which were female. (Obviously that says a lot about how kick ass females are when it comes to having the brains to get into this high school and make it through the rigorous curriculum that went along with it) But more than the challenges that laid within the classroom, were the ones that we dealt with outside the classroom as many of us tried to find our niche and social circle that we wanted to become a part of. I started with one group of friends when I entered this high school as a sophomore transfer,and these friends were actually friends of mine from middle school that chose this high school to enter as freshmen and then helped me decide that transferring would make me feel like I "fit in" more because I would be with my closest friends and in a smaller setting. Low & behold, by the middle of junior year that wasn't the case. Without much detail, my former social circle was one I was not a fan of being part of anymore and I moved on. I found friends that I loved dearly, one that actually went with me to Villanova which was awesome, and genuinely good natured people who I made me feel very comfortable.
A few of those friends and I stuck through the long distance friendships that come with going to college as we parted separate ways after senior year, and two of them are some of my best friends to date. I am very lucky to have maintained those friendships and I know these girls are my "forever friends".
As I moved onto college, I yet again, struggled to find the social circle I wanted to get into. I actually rekindled my friendship with one of the girls I was best friends with entering the HS I was in from sophomore through senior year (the social group I had fallen out of), which made me feel good because her and I kept in touch and that friendship is a very important one in my life currently, especially because she has known me for so long. The second semester of freshman year of college, I found my college sweetheart, Andrew, who I then went on to marry after 5 years of dating. He always made me feel special and a priority while we were in college, and although my friendships may have changed, his presence was what kept me grounded throughout my 4 years of nursing school at Villanova. He is the love of my life and always has been as he supported me through the most trying years of my life, during and immediately to follow our years in college. I believe to this day, that he filled a void that I felt with my dad, who was supposed to be the best male role model for me throughout my life. Andrew stepped up to the plate and loved & supported me in a way that no other male ever showed me was possible, and that is one of the many reasons that I married him.
After getting engaged (exactly 7 years ago today- holy crap that went by fast!), then getting married, then having our first child and buying a house in the same year, then getting pregnant again with our second child and delivering that following year, our marriage has been filled with a lot of love and albeit a bit of craziness all balled into one. I mean from 2007 when we tied the knot to August of 2010, that was a non stop circle of changing our lifestyle completely. In that time frame, I also rekindled another friendship from that same circle of middle school-high school friends, which made me feel very good, and was asked to be in her wedding, even though I found out shortly after she asked me, that I would end up being 7 months pregnant come her wedding day and thought of myself as "that bridesmaid". Fortunately, she never though twice about having my very pregnant self in her wedding and I am forever grateful for that.
There will always be bumps in the road for everyone as we travel this path of life, but for me there has always been someone sitting in my passenger seat for the better part of two decades, that will always take that wild ride with me, especially when Andrew may think I am crazy to do so. That passenger is my absolute best friend, Christelle. She has loved and supported me through thick & thin for just shy of 17 years now and I couldn't be more grateful for her coming into my life when she did. I was at an all time low of self doubt and feeling "left out" and not important enough for certain people to be in their lives, and throughout every moment of trial, Christelle provided me with the comfort and wisdom that everything would be ok- and she still says that to this very day and is correct. Christelle has given me honors that I will treasure for the rest of my life, as I may never be granted those honors again in my life. Those honors being- her extremely 9 month pregnant MOH who delivered my second child 12 hours after her wedding had ended (yeah I can't remember if I ever wrote a full post about that, but it may be one of the best stories of all time, honestly), to then becoming the godmother to her first born child, a precious baby boy just over one year ago. These honors are something that are indescribable to me as far as their sentimental value and recognition of the importance that person has in their life. I am beyond blessed that Christelle bestowed these blessings upon me and I have promised her as her "adopted-sister- since her sibling is her brother, that I will ALWAYS be there for her, and my godson, to love and cherish them- almost like the vows I took with Andrew lol.
I still struggle to "fit in" with many other people in my life, people who I have had tremendously long friendships with, and as my life has added craziness in someways, but true blessings beyond words, my life has changed in so many aspects and so have the lives of these friends, and as I hoped that as life changes, we will become more understanding of the difficulties that may bring to one's friendship, sometimes that just doesn't happen. I pray that my friendships that may have gone array because I got married and had children very early in life, will become better friendships in the long run. My relationships even with my own family have changed, as I have changed and I feel as though there are many times that I find myself wanting to be a part of a conversation and feeling as though I am an outsider and don;t fit in. It truly does increase my "self doubt" because I feel as though I am not "good enough" in many facets of life. I have questioned myself as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. It is pain staking to me to watch so many of my relationships with people change or to feel "unimportant" to the people I have cared about for so long, because for me- I give 110% to all of my relationships & friendships, even though sometimes the challenges that life throws our way, may prevent me from doing certain things. I pride myself on being a genuine person, but I certainly have my insecurities and it does hurt to watch my feelings of "self doubt" increase, especially over the past year or two. I would give ANYTHING to "bring back" the friendships & relationships with those I truly care about to where they were at their best time, but I am realistic to the fact that life throws us curve balls, that even if we swing for the fences, may lead us to striking out. I just want to be able to get up at bat again, with the confidence that I can hit a homerun, and make the "game (life)" tied up again.
If any of you have any suggestions of changing my ways to decrease the amount of self doubt I have in my life, I respect all of my readers enough to listen to whatever you have to say! If you wish not to leave a comment here for others to see, please feel free to email me at
lv2themn(at)gmail(dot)com, and we will chat that way. I appreciate the love & support from the bottom of my heart